What I Learned After Talking To A Sex Doctor
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Sex Doctor and Sexologist.
He helps people discover and create the sex life they've always wanted. What exactly? Intimacy, pleasure, sexual expression and more. Most people are aiming for a Sexually empowered existence he says, "In whatever way that looks like ie: Abstaining, Orgies, etc. What matters is that you're empowered and free." He is a board certified practitioner of Sexology and has been in the "Sex Ed" space for 6 years. I had a chance to catch up with him, and I'm really glad that I did. Make sure you read to the bottom of the article for the best parts.
Michael: Why did you choose this as your passion?
Dr. de Wit: I've always been fascinated with SEX at a young age. I've been viewing, reading and researching since I was 11 years old. In school I was creating and alibi to learn more about sex. At the age of 19, I woke up one morning getting more passionate and fascinated about sex. I have a friend who was sexually abused at a young age and I couldn't comprehend it back then. I had no capacity to understand what was going on. So I had to learn more. Now I know about 'power dynamics' which, when explored and understood can be seen as the most beautiful thing on the planet. But when they're abused it can be the most traumatic experience for any human being.
Michael: What kinds of different dynamics should people be aware of during sex?
Dr. de Wit: Naturally in sexual interactions there could be power exchanges, which are each distinct. There are 1000 different ones and in all of them, communication is the most important. "Communication is lubrication for healthy relationships and sex.". Its a way to find out and discover what your partner really, really wants. Normally people operate by default sexual roles. For example: "My past partner likes this, so my next partner is going to like this too." The default sex education for everyone is porn. There are different messages and views of sex, which are not necessarily real. This can cause a major disconnections so I work with people to cleanse their sins.
Michael: Their what?
Dr. de Wit: Their Sins - standards, ideals and norms.
Michael: Okay. That's pretty smart. You're like a priest/healer/doctor. What norms are we talking about?
Dr. de Wit: The "Top 10 things to drive your partner wild" stuff that's out there. Like, wait a second, when did you ask them and find out? When did you have sex with my partner - how do you actually know what will drive them wild?
Michael: Great point! How would they know? About partners, how can a couple deal with sexual differences?
Dr. de Wit: Talk about it. People not having awareness around might cause the whole relationship to not work. Sometimes its not a thing people consider, like "let's have a awkward and uncomfortable conversations with partner." But we have to deal with what's going on. Use the Double RR - "R2â€³ for short, which means, Respect Reality. Pay attention to their reactions when you talk about things or do things differently. As a way to build up your awareness, you can examine their facial reactions, are they silent, or really talkative, are they having a different bodily reaction?
Michael: Thats effin' great! But how do we they talk about it?
Dr. de Wit: Check in and ask, "Hey I noticed you giggled when I sucked your toe - what happened there?" with a smile on your face. They could say, "It was ticklish, I liked it, I was turned on." Who knows? But go back and find out.
Michael: So maybe that's an indicator, when they're turned on they giggle.
Dr. de Wit: You'd never know unless you ask.
Michael: It seems you don't really talk about specifics or actions like push here, thrust there etc. Why is that?
Dr. de Wit: The most consistent person you'll be having sex with, is yourself. So your relationship with yourself is pivotal. Lots of people are walking around with a sexual script from the same last hundred years. They don't know who they are sexually. If I tell them tongue here, thrust there, I'm no better than those top 10 articles. I think it is better to create the kind of sex that works for them.
Michael: What should people do if the dynamic during sex isn't working?1
Dr.Stephen: As I mentioned, the most important sexual relationship is the one you have with yourself. We need to develop a healthy sexual relationship with us first. People often look at sex as "I need to find someone I can find and have great sex with."
"Instead of expecting to find great sex in a relationship, we need to bring great sex to the relationship"
Michael: Stephen, this is huge. I live by this principle and I had no idea it was called that. You brought language to something I didn't know how to explain. Thank you! So then how can people bring great sex to a relationship?
Dr. de Wit: Use the Sexual freedom system which, develops self awareness.
* Sexual self acceptance - For who you are and who you are not.
* Sexual responsibility - The ownership of all things you do in the bedroom.
* Sexual self expression - The absence of all the sins, thoughts, that this is who I am.
Michael: What's the future of sex?
Dr. de Wit: I hope that the stigma that's associated with sex is lessened, because its externally driven. It's judgment from society and others which drives us. And increase the awareness of self stigmas. There are massive ones like "I'm 'broken'" which is a terrible one I hear from people. Not orgasming the right way, or
"My penis doesn't perform the way I want it to."
There's this broad brush we tend to paint of generalities like "you're gay, you have HIV, you don't have the right to get married, and you're bad." These no longer exist.
Michael: What's one thing you want my readers to know about sex?
Dr.Stephen: There's no right way, no wrong way. There's just your way. If anyone is trying to tell them otherwise - that's a red flag. Question the intent of the message - is to get you to buy something, take an action, feel a particular way, or avoid taking an action. People have to have agency over the decisions they make with their bodies.
This is very valuable for me. For many reasons. I've highlighted a lot of them. I hope you enjoyed this article and that it gave you something to think about or use in your sex life. Please take your favourite or most important piece and comment on it below.
A big thank you to Toronto's Top Sex Doctor and Sexologist for the time and the conversation.